Today, an Orthodox man averted his eyes and covered them when he was walking past me. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and knee-length shorts. I know, I'm such a skank. There is religious tension in Jerusalem. At the same time, it's a great city, and I feel that it might be the best place to live in Israel. It's complicated, but whereas it made me angry three years ago, I think I'm coming around now. In this case, it's an instance of growing emotional maturity (even though I try my best not to show it), as well as getting over things from the past.
I think I'm going to get in touch with a Nefesh B'Nefesh person when I get back to New York. But then I got to thinking about how much I love New York City, and how I want to stay there for grad school, maybe rent an apartment with some friends. That would be nice. We could have champagne parties on occasion and play video games. And I might clean on occasion. I know that whole thing sounded like I'm a total dude (I'd have to substitute the champagne for beer), but that's only for you poor deprived folks who don't know how righteously awesome video games are. When I get back home (to IL), I'm going to reintroduce myself to Guitar Hero World Tour. Because I can.
Today I had an awesome talk about religion. There was also a hardcore discussion about a Jew's right to Israel if they don't believe in religion. Those things reminded me of what I used to really love about Judaism, what I was so interested in before my last relationship, which was ALL about religion. That really took it out of me. And I know it's totally lame to be all "I was in love with a boy and we connected over our shared passion for Judaism, but then we drifted apart religiously, so I needed to take a break from thinking about Judaism because it made me think of him," but unfortunately, it might be true. I also deleted most of my Rush collection from my iPod. And my Matisyahu, except that Matisyahu isn't good, and Rush is fantastic. But I think losing touch with religion is more of a loss than part of a music collection. That's more replaceable.
I had been coming around last semester. I was going to Kesher and even though I didn't really like the service (it was nice, just not for me), it was better than nothing. I had been thinking about going to Koach. But then the financial aid stuff happened and I just got completely lost. That first week, I think I cried at least once everyday. And that's really not me. I am an emotional rock. Sure, I have crazy moods (mostly since college started) and am all over the place. Sure, I'll get in huge funks (mostly last year...thank you, sophomore slump), but from March 2nd(ish) until april 22nd totally sucked balls. And the worst part was that I knew I was totally caught up in it and that way worse stuff happens to people. That worse stuff has happened to me. But aside from relationships, I've never had something I've worked so hard for potentially get so fucked up and feel so powerless.
When I found out that I got financial aid and was able to stay at JTS/Columbia, I was relieved. I was also pissed. I'd gotten into the University of Illinois' School of Music, which is pretty damn good. I'd gotten into the Marching Illini. I was prepared to build another life for myself at another school. I was EXCITED to do this. And then I found out that I didn't need to. That all the worrying and crying that I had been doing to fill a void was unnecessary.
Part of me thought about transferring, even though I didn't need to.
I needed to get all of that off of my chest. But yeah, I feel ready to get involved with Jewish life at Columbia. Excited, even. Though CUMB will obviously still be huge for me. And...I think that being sad, thinking about my potential future of living in NYC as a Real Person is good. And normal. I still don't know if I'm going to make aliyah. I'm not yet ready to give a definite answer. I still have two more years of college. But I think I'm ready to start exploring my options.
Lately, I've been getting angry. Not really at anyone, just...angry. It happens sometimes. I almost wish that I had someone to be angry at, so I could get rid of all the aggression that's been building up. I can't punch people anymore, like I used to. You think I'm joking. I'm not. And I realize how emotionally stunted I was. I mean, I did this in high school. When I was a senior, one of my French horns said, "Sarah, I want to learn how to punch hard like you." (He deserved it.) So I don't do that anymore. Which makes it hard, when I feel inferior. I feel like if I were a guy, I could deal with it better, or have a better outlet. But I'm not, and I don't. Punching a punching bag doesn't make things better. Pillows also do not work.
It's funny. My parents joke around that I'm the "parental supervision" in the house, that I'm the adult. And I really think that they do treat me like an adult. An adult that is their daughter, but still, an adult. They trust me. I'm sensible, I'm practical. Sure, I say and do weird things, but I also say and to the right things, when I need to. It's a lot of pressure. And yet, knowing that they don't need to worry about me in the way that they worry about my sister (and my brother, to a lesser extent) feels good. But the thing that I realized is that they've been treating me this way for awhile. Sure, when I was in high school, I had a "curfew" (well, I didn't actually...I made sure that we never discussed it), or I couldn't do whatever I wanted. But there wasn't much that I wanted to do. That changed once I got to college, but my parents weren't there, so it was fine. But being the "parental supervision" (my mom wrote it in quotes in an email she sent to me, because she knew that's how I'd refer to it) feels weird. Frankly, even though I don't hit people like I used to, I feel like I've regressed since coming to college. I make lots of stupid decisions and do lots of sketchy things. Maybe not sketchy by general standards, but sketchy by my anal standards.
I mean, I know this is part of becoming independent and growing up. And I'm glad that I'm fucking up a bit as I do it. However, I'm not so sure if I learned from freshman year's mistakes and changed during my sophomore year.
I hope that I make a whole new set of fucked up mistakes next year. Because last year was a whole lot of "I know this is bad and I'm going to regret it. I've done this all before. But I can't get out of this rut. I'll put it off." In a lot of ways, I've seen junior year as when things would be different. It's weird, but true. Not epically different. Not fabulous. I've just had this feeling, ever since...I don't know, the middle/end of the first semester of freshman year that there's going to be something about junior year. That something is going to happen.
Hopefully it's good. I think I've earned it.
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